The Man with no Friends

Tag: old people

LUMP

About 10 days ago , it was a Sunday , I was in the shower and found a lump on my hip. It is about the size of a golf ball. I’m an old guy so naturally I thought it might be cancer. The fact that I already have a couple of cancer like symptoms did not reassure  me in any way. I don’t have a doctor and haven’t  been to a hospital in maybe thirty years and am a great believer in the wise old saying , ” Ignore it and it will go away”. It has always worked in the past and I’m still here. The reason I am telling you all this is simply that this is the only interesting thing  that has happened since I last updated this blog. Now there is something important I have to say at this point – Please don’t email/message me/comment that I should go and have it checked out. I don’t need good advice and I wouldn’t take it anyhow. If on the other hand you want to make a 10 euro contribution to my funeral expenses that’s a different kettle of fish altogether……..

If , over the next few months 500 people were to read this post and send me 10 euros each I would be laughing. There  is , as it happens , a very nice phono cartridge on Ebay for just over 5,000 sterling which I quite fancy. I have an excellent Denon DL 102 mono cartridge which does everything I want it to do ( a classic warm mono sound) but it would be nice to have the Koetsu JP mc cartridge.  It’s all a matter of priorities. I like the old vinyl. I like the look and the feel of it and at its best there really  is nothing that sounds quite like it. But all this in neither here nor there and besides  I’m sure there are men of ninety  out there who are covered with lumps and are  as healthy as horses……

All of this is of course preamble to the fact that I don’t have anything interesting to say. Nothing of interest ever happens to me and I don’t do anything interesting myself  -hence this rambling blog post that seems to be heading nowhere……….I could of course lie. I could claim that I’m busy doing this that and the other………I could make myself sound far more interesting than I really am. I could , as Billy Connolly  say’s , make myself sound exotic. I could take on a new persona , start a new blog and make everyone envious of my wonderful life as I suspect some blogger do. I could be young , handsome , professional not to mention neo-liberal  and superficially cool with a dockside apartment to prove it. I could be SOMEONE. Unfortunately all of this requires effort and I’m rather lazy – so there you are.

I have often thought of getting myself a box and going into the city center and standing on it at the corner of St. Stephens Green and Grafton Street. I imagine myself with arms raised just  like Peter Finch in Network.….telling everyone who passes that we are all going to hell , that everything is pointless – or whatever else happens to come into my head. I could stand there with my longish grey hair and unhealthy complexion  shouting whatever rubbish comes into my head. Young people would stop and video me on their mobile phones and put me up on Youtube.  I might , if I shouted loud enough and talked enough rubbish go viral…….And of course , I could report what happens  each day on my blog. I actually think I would be quite good at this. But even if I was hopeless I probably would be regarded as an eccentric or a CHARACTER. There used to be a lot of such people wandering around Dublin in the old days.  One of the most famous was a man known  as BANG BANG. He was really famous , everyone , every school child knew of BANG BANG even if they never saw him. Back in the 50’s and 60’s Dublin buses had an open platform at the back and BANG BANG would hop on to this platform if a bus slowed down and point a big key he used to carry with him at the passengers and go BANG BANG. The passengers would pretend to be shot or shout back ” You missed”. Then when the bus pulled up at traffic lights he would jump off and get on another bus.

There was also a man called Johnny  Forty  Coats because of all the coats he used to wear. He didn’t do anything , he just had lots of coats on him. And yet another man was  called Hairy Lemon. All these men were nothing short of legends and are still remembered fondly by Dubliners  to this day.  I have always wanted to be legend and after all it would be something to do , wouldn’t  it. Let me know what you think.

SMOKING IS GOOD FOR YOU

I have no friends. They are all dead. I only ever had a very few friends and that was all I wanted but they are all dead now. Before they popped their clogs they were forever warning me about my smokers cough. I have a more or less permanent smokers cough and I’ve had it for years. If I had a euro for ever time I coughed I would be a very wealthy man. But I AM still alive. And like I say , all my friends are dead.  Facts is facts as the man said and you can’t argue with facts and the fact is that I am still alive. I may be old sad unwanted neglected but I’m still alive –

I sleep on the floor. I live in a one room flat and there really isn’t room for a bed so I sleep on the floor. I actually sleep quite well , I have always slept well – this is a blessing in itself. But , like I say I don’t have a bed.  When I’m lying on the floor at night I always have four or five roll-ups ready to smoke and I smoke these  and cough  until  I fall asleep. In the morning I get up , make a cup of coffee and smoke several more roll-ups and have a good cough. I then go about my business  smoking and coughing  my way through the day  -and it hasn’t killed me yet. I’m still here. I’m still living. So there you are. You can’t argue with the facts.

It’s raining in Dublin today. It’s a miserable wet dull day and I’m sitting here typing this out…..I’m waiting for something to happen , something interesting that I can write about in my blog but nothing ever happens. Day after day after day and nothing happens……Nothing.  I’m like a character out of  a  Beckett play.  -” Nothing to be said”   My little valve radio is on in the background but I’m not really listening. It wasn’t always like this. I used to have a life. I used to be young. Now I’m old alone forgotten…….I have just now rolled another cigarette. God bless all smokers. They are the only sane people left in the world. Smoking is good for you , it’s good for the head.  Oh , right now , just this minute  I heard the announcer on the radio say that Pete Seeger has  just died at the age of 94. He didn’t smoke. And now he is dead. He was a legend in his day. I have been a fan of his since the sixties. Sad news. And to the best of my knowledge he never smoked a fag in his life.

Tobacco is good for you. It makes your hair grow. I’ve always had a good head of hair and so did my father and he smoked a pipe all his life. In the old days  everyone smoked. The stars of the silver screen , they all smoked and they  managed to look sexy doing it. The good old days ? Now it’s all clean air and political correctness.  Landlord culture / X Factor culture……and hate crimes. You can be arrested in these days for HATE CRIMES.   It’s like something out of Brave New World or Nineteen Eighty FourThe new intolerance. The neo-liberal now . Don’t get me going on all that…..I’ll only get indigestion. Funnily enough a cigarette is a great cure for indigestion. Tobacco smoke is holy smoke. Hitler did not smoke. A vegetarian who didn’t smoke. Enough said.

MURDER IS BAD FOR YOU

A few days ago a neighbour of mine was murdered in his flat . I live in the same complex at Cambridge Court in Ringsend in Dublin.  He was a nice quiet sort of man who I’m sure never did anyone any harm. The Garda forensic team were here today which made it all seem so very real . It’s a sobering thought to think that a man was beaten to death just a few feet away while I slept the sleep of the just. These sort of murders are commonplace now in Ireland….there seems to one every day….human life has become cheap , very cheap.

Watching all those young  police officers in their white csi suits made it look like something you see on  TV – and of course it was on TV – except that this time there would be no credits rolling at the end….. It was , funnily enough,  all very depressing which  came as something of a surprise to me.  I keep thinking of the song , ” Another one bites the Dust”. I can’t get it out of my head and for the life of me I  can’t remember who it’s by.  – Oh , I’ve just remembered now……Queen.  Strange how the mind works.

I’m sitting on my own in my flat , the radio is  on in the background. On the floor beside me is an original early pressing of  Live Dead by the Grateful Dead which I picked up to-day …… I like the ‘Dead .  Most of them are dead now ……  Most of the original  DeahHeads are probably dead  too….or at least  close to it…………A few weeks ago Lou Reed died ……..    Everyone is dying.

Meanwhile , back at the ranch , a Garda is on patrol outside the complex.  It’s very cold.  A thankless task.  Two small bouquets of flower are stuck in the railings outside the dead mans flat  — Nothing more  to be said.

I still can’t get that song out of my head….

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