LUMP

by sillyoldtwit

About 10 days ago , it was a Sunday , I was in the shower and found a lump on my hip. It is about the size of a golf ball. I’m an old guy so naturally I thought it might be cancer. The fact that I already have a couple of cancer like symptoms did not reassure  me in any way. I don’t have a doctor and haven’t  been to a hospital in maybe thirty years and am a great believer in the wise old saying , ” Ignore it and it will go away”. It has always worked in the past and I’m still here. The reason I am telling you all this is simply that this is the only interesting thing  that has happened since I last updated this blog. Now there is something important I have to say at this point – Please don’t email/message me/comment that I should go and have it checked out. I don’t need good advice and I wouldn’t take it anyhow. If on the other hand you want to make a 10 euro contribution to my funeral expenses that’s a different kettle of fish altogether……..

If , over the next few months 500 people were to read this post and send me 10 euros each I would be laughing. There  is , as it happens , a very nice phono cartridge on Ebay for just over 5,000 sterling which I quite fancy. I have an excellent Denon DL 102 mono cartridge which does everything I want it to do ( a classic warm mono sound) but it would be nice to have the Koetsu JP mc cartridge.  It’s all a matter of priorities. I like the old vinyl. I like the look and the feel of it and at its best there really  is nothing that sounds quite like it. But all this in neither here nor there and besides  I’m sure there are men of ninety  out there who are covered with lumps and are  as healthy as horses……

All of this is of course preamble to the fact that I don’t have anything interesting to say. Nothing of interest ever happens to me and I don’t do anything interesting myself  -hence this rambling blog post that seems to be heading nowhere……….I could of course lie. I could claim that I’m busy doing this that and the other………I could make myself sound far more interesting than I really am. I could , as Billy Connolly  say’s , make myself sound exotic. I could take on a new persona , start a new blog and make everyone envious of my wonderful life as I suspect some blogger do. I could be young , handsome , professional not to mention neo-liberal  and superficially cool with a dockside apartment to prove it. I could be SOMEONE. Unfortunately all of this requires effort and I’m rather lazy – so there you are.

I have often thought of getting myself a box and going into the city center and standing on it at the corner of St. Stephens Green and Grafton Street. I imagine myself with arms raised just  like Peter Finch in Network.….telling everyone who passes that we are all going to hell , that everything is pointless – or whatever else happens to come into my head. I could stand there with my longish grey hair and unhealthy complexion  shouting whatever rubbish comes into my head. Young people would stop and video me on their mobile phones and put me up on Youtube.  I might , if I shouted loud enough and talked enough rubbish go viral…….And of course , I could report what happens  each day on my blog. I actually think I would be quite good at this. But even if I was hopeless I probably would be regarded as an eccentric or a CHARACTER. There used to be a lot of such people wandering around Dublin in the old days.  One of the most famous was a man known  as BANG BANG. He was really famous , everyone , every school child knew of BANG BANG even if they never saw him. Back in the 50’s and 60’s Dublin buses had an open platform at the back and BANG BANG would hop on to this platform if a bus slowed down and point a big key he used to carry with him at the passengers and go BANG BANG. The passengers would pretend to be shot or shout back ” You missed”. Then when the bus pulled up at traffic lights he would jump off and get on another bus.

There was also a man called Johnny  Forty  Coats because of all the coats he used to wear. He didn’t do anything , he just had lots of coats on him. And yet another man was  called Hairy Lemon. All these men were nothing short of legends and are still remembered fondly by Dubliners  to this day.  I have always wanted to be legend and after all it would be something to do , wouldn’t  it. Let me know what you think.

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