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by sillyoldtwit

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I was sitting here trying to figure out what I might write about. I don’t really have any news as nothing much happens in my world but then it struck me that there is something which you the reader might find interesting. It has to do with suicide. I’m not the suicidal type.  I’m not mentally ill and don’t suffer from depression. I am depressed but I have good reason to be depressed. For quite some time now I have been thinking about death on a daily basis.  My quality of life is , and has been for a long time , very poor . This has to do with my accommodation , my flat.  I won’t bore you will all the details but  for 25 years now my living conditions have been very poor and in the last five years I have found it more and more difficult to deal with the situation.  I literally have not had a normal nights sleep in a quartet of a century.

I like life and have various interests which give me pleasure but the negatives side of things has  begun to outweigh the positive and it seems there is no way out.  It’s quite natural to think of death in such a situation. Now here is the interesting bit…..You might think that there are services and such out there for people in my situation but there are in fact none.  There is of course The Samaritans but what is the point of speaking to some stranger over the phone ? I am now 67 years of age and my health is not great although I can still get around and ride my Mezzo d10  on a daily basis.  I enjoy cycling and  collecting  records and spend hours and hours every day listening to my old valve radio. But the space I’m living in , my home , is not a home but rather a living hell for me. It’s a very strange feeling to sit in your  flat and wish you had a home , somewhere to go to when your not feeling well or even just tired.  It’s impossible to get a  flat now in Dublin , the homeless numbers are growing by the day.  But everyone needs a place of their own. Somewhere to relax , unwind and close the door behind you . But what do you do if you literally hate that space you live in ? What do you do if you have nowhere to go to ?   Well , the answer is quite simple – you look for a way out and sometimes the only way out is death.

All of this sounds very depressing but this is my reality. If I was living in the USA I know exactly what I would do. I would go out and buy and gun….and I would start shooting people.  Not just people in general ….not just random people but the people who have made my life into the hell it is. This is not the sort of thing you should say in your blog. This is not the way to win friends or new readers. Nor is it a way to gain credibility.  But it is the truth. And I would kill those people without even blinking……….and yes , I know what your thinking. But if your thinking what I think your thinking then you are wrong.  I’m neither mad nor bad. But life , as they say , is not a dress rehearsal. This is it -and you don’t get a second change at it . My landlords did me more damage than any criminal was ever likely to do. And no one forced them to. It was their choice. They were strong and I was weak and they took full advantage of that fact. They knew what they were doing , they understood fully the damage they were causing.

But all of this is academic as I don’t have a gun. I’ll get a bit sicker , a bit older and things won’t get better. I will write my blog , play my  Tubby Hayes records , ride my bike and come home to a home that’s far from being a home.  But this is not life , it’s existence and little more . Oh well , as my mother use to say , “there’s always someone worse off”. Indeed indeed.

Funny thing happened just now.  My finger hit the wrong button and this got posted on my blog before I could even work out a title…….or before I even made a final decision to publish it or not.  -Worries worries…..

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